Ronan-

So first things first you’re probably wondering why the hell did I send you a post card with a freaking website on it… essentially I wanted to send you a message but I also didn’t want to know whether or not you actually got it/read it. Plus, I do love old fashioned letters. I originally bought the post card and then realized I had a lot more to say than what would fit on a post card, and so, instead of buying a new card, I just decided to write a post on my website that only those with the link would be able to find… that being said, there’s a possibility a complete stranger is also reading this… if this is you, hope this entertains you, I guess.

But back to the actual message…

The other day I started watching the 3rd season of Alice in Borderland and it made me think of you. And for the first time since you sent me that last message, I finally went back to re-read it… I actually wanted to respond to it when you originally sent it, but I was so pissed off, I told myself to wait a few days… forgot about it… and I guess here I am, over two years later, finally wanting to respond.

Anyway, I actually ended up re-reading all the texts from the months prior, trying to see where things went wrong… and I’ll admit, holy fuck I was annoying. I am not who I was two years ago, so I don’t really know what was going through my head, because obviously no matter how many different ways you put it, I was not going to comprehend that you weren’t going to text me as often as I wished. I guess now that I’m traveling a lot more and can barely stay in contact with my own friends from back home, I understand how much energy that takes, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to text me every damn week.

I will admit it took me months to move on, and now years later I feel like I have so much more clarity on the situation. I’m not entirely sure whether or not I loved you, but I know for a fact that it was definitely limerence. The irony of this, is that I remember when you sent me that last text, I was so mad that you thought I was “obsessed” with you, when that is quite literally what it was. In case you are unaware, limerence is an intense desire or obsession that one garners towards another, typically due to the idealization or unrealistic perception of said person. This is especially caused when the person doesn’t reciprocate feelings, pulling themselves further and further away, then increasing the other persons desire… like a positive feedback loop.

Either way, that doesn’t mean that that last stream of texts I sent wasn’t entirely true. It might have been quite exaggerated, as I was so angry that night due to something someone else did that reminded me of your treatment of me, which then caused me to turn my anger onto you.

It took me a while to realize how wrong you were for me, but you were manipulative and toxic, even if you hadn’t realized it. You did a lot of things that made me uncomfortable and pressured me into scenarios I didn’t want to be in, and you turned me into a different person… a mini you almost. At the time, I had somehow convinced myself there was nothing wrong with it, that it was something I wanted, because it was what you wanted, and I wanted you to want me. For christ sake, I even convinced myself my favorite color was red because of you (you literally made me change my watch face from blue to red in case you don’t remember). You went from being the person I felt the safest around, the most comfortable, that I could tell anything to… to being a person that I was afraid to say anything to, in fear you would use it against me. As a result, I was caught in this cycle of desire and fear.

You weren’t good for me, but our time together taught me so much about myself and I honestly don’t think I would be where I am today if it weren’t for you. You showed me that I am meant to have a life that is a million times more colorful than being an overworked doctor… and I gotta say, I fucking love my life now. Maybe if I weren’t so psychotic, we would still be friends meeting up every year or so in different countries, having a great time. Maybe if I met you now, it would be like that, but then again, I don’t think I would be where I am today if I hadn’t gone through that.

I’m not sure if you’ll ever read this, I don’t think I care if you do, because simply writing this out was just my last bit of closure. If you do read this, I just wanted to assure you this wasn’t an attempt to get back in contact with you… this was more of a hello again, thank you, I’m sorry, and a goodbye.

I wish you all the best.
Thank you for helping me find myself.
Love,
Lou

P.S. If you did get this far, you’ve probably noticed this is my website! If you’re curious, feel free to look around and see what I’ve been up to (granted I’ve been absolutely terrible at keeping up with my posts, so it’s not entirely up to date).